


Díhena (Forgiveness)

by LadyVin



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Kind of a character study, My First Fanfic, Post-Canon, This Is Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 21:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12968610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyVin/pseuds/LadyVin
Summary: It's been a year, but no matter how hard Vex tries, forgiveness is hard.





	Díhena (Forgiveness)

What do you do when your other half, your twin, your brother, suddenly leaves you? He's always been there, at every turn, at every milestone. You're sure that growing up you would have lost your ability to trust anyone were it not for him. For so long, he was the only one who actually knew you, the only one who cared to listen. You grew to depend on him so much. Without him by your side, you surely would have died years ago. Without him by your side, you would have truly been alone. 

Now, when you reach beside you for his hand, your fingers close on nothing but air. Your hair whips in your face, pushed around freely by the wind. It's only loose because he isn't there to braid it anymore, and you don't trust anyone else with your messy, dark, easily tangled locks. Your husband understands, except that he doesn't understand completely. None of them really do. None of them ever had a relationship like yours and your twin's. It's been a year, and you still don't even say his name. You still cringe when people call you your own nickname, because it sounds too familiar. 

The first month after, you barely talked to anyone. And any time you did talk, it was to help them cope. Your husband in particular needed you, as did the woman your brother would have married. It’s so much easier to sweep your own feelings aside. You tell yourself that you’re trying to be more selfless, like your brother, and you let them tell you everything. You reassure them, a picture of strength. You show them how independent you are; you don’t need your brother, you accept what had to happen. None of you mention the fact that you’re obviously lying. You all know it wouldn’t help. How could anything help?

You’ve worked so hard to learn how to forgive, but now it feels like your brother has taken all of that work and wasted it. You feel like you’ll never forgive him for leaving you alone. You have so much more to do with your life, and he’s missing it all, because he was stupid. You’ve never been more annoyed with your brother. Leave it to him to leave after all the trouble has been cleared up. Leave it to him to be selfless enough to spend all his time with you trying to make the world a better place and going and dy—leaving when he could finally live his life the way he wanted to. He always got on to you for being “too selfish,” but he had the opposite problem, and look where that got him! He cared too much for his family to realize that the best thing he could’ve done for them was to stay. 

On particularly bad nights when you can't sleep, you wander the castle. You go up to the roof, where flocks of ravens doze on the ramparts. Some days they're comforting, but most other times they make you uneasy. Some nights, you go to the temple… the one that belongs to her. You hate that it's on the piece of land that you own, hate that there are more ties between you. Some nights, you scream at her, some nights you attempt to barter with, some nights you just gently touch your hand to the pool of blood on the floor. It never helps. No one ever answers.

When the nightmares get particularly bad, like they have tonight, you go a bit farther than the roof or the temple. On these nights, you quietly wake Trinket, throw on a cloak and your boots. (Not his boots. You wanted those, and you're pretty sure your brother didn't give those to you on purpose. One last prank before…) On these nights, you leave the city behind, leave its clusters of people and city-stench, and head for the woods. The wilds have always been your domain, while the city belonged to your twin. As soon as you step under the first tree, it feels like a weight has been lifted from you. Faint rustling in the leaves and the rare glint of eyes amongst the underbrush are the only signs that you're not alone. 

You're not worried, however. You have Trinket beside you, and you have your wits about you. That's all you need in the forest. You walk together until you reach the bench Pike built him. A few minutes are spent tidying the area up, gently brushing leaves off the seat. It's only here that you feel near enough to talk to him. Only when you're so alone that you feel safe enough to cry. You know that back in the castle, your husband would love nothing more than to take you into his arms and comfort you, but it never helps. Here, with just Trinket and the stars and the cold night wind tossing shadows across the forest floor, you feel as if he never left you. 

On some nights, a large wolf stops and sits with you. Most nights, like tonight, he doesn't. On some nights, a particularly large Raven lands on the back of the bench beside you, and you let it comb its beak through your hair. During the days, sometimes, you think how you'll never, ever forgive your brother for leaving you. You'll never forgive him for offering his life for yours in the first place. This whole mess was your fault, for not being careful; it was his fault for being so damn selfish. As with everything else, this whole mess was something you created together. 

You wonder if your brother is aware of your life now. You wonder if he knows that even now, new life grows inside you. You rub your stomach absently. It’s too early to notice. Your husband doesn’t even know yet. You’ve told no one but Trinket, who swore to keep your secret. (Not that he could tell anyone without Keyleth’s help.) You feel like your brother would have noticed that something is different though. He always knew when something was up with you. 

It’s on nights like this, you know deep down that you'll forgive your brother for everything, if he'd only come back to you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fanfic for anything! It kinda came from nowhere. I should really be studying for finals, but this happened instead. Title is the Sindarin elvish word for "forgive," a reference to how Vex carved "forgiveness" into Fenthras. Find me on tumblr @daughterofsarenrae. Hope you enjoyed!


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